Christmas is that magical time of year when virtually everything is about bigger, better and more. We over- spend, over-decorate, over-eat, over-drink, and get overly tired. It’s the Olympics of the Big D!ck Contest of Holiday Hoopla—and intentional or not, we usually get suckered into playing somewhere. The Twelve Big D!cks of Christmas control virtually everything from our time, to our money, to our mood during the Christmas holidays.
Christmas Day is the only day of the year that almost everyone, even beach people, want to see at least a few snow flurries. However, Mother Nature, who has the biggest d!ck of all, just doesn’t buy into the white Christmas holiday hype leaving someone somewhere disappointed.
For many, Christmas Day just isn’t complete without going to see one of the new movies released. This creates ferocious competition to be the movie that topped the Christmas Day box office.
Big D!ck Fact: More than $77 million dollars was spent at the box office on December 25, 2010.
Happy holiday newsletter writers either intentionally or unintentionally play the Big D!ck Contest of Bragging. The tone of many letters is often “my life was perfect” and this can leave a bittersweet taste in the mouths of those we love the most, and definitely creates two teams of love them or hate them readers.
For those who believe holiday deal shopping is a sport, Black Friday and Cyber Monday are your Super Bowls. The Big D!ck Trophy is bragging rights for the best deal no matter how early you arrived at the store, how much time you spent in line to get it, or when you had to set your alarm to go online.
Of course, cash and gift cards still reign as favorites for the non-competitive gift giver and receiver.
Despite complaining about the cost, the lines, and the delays, most of us travel somewhere during the holidays. But the real Big D!ck Contest here is all about where we go, who we see, and how long we stay.
Big D!ck Fact: According to AAA more than 42.5 million American will travel more than 50 miles from home for the holidays.
The holidays are one big food orgy between the cooking, parties, and extra friend meet-ups. But in the midst of partaking in the holiday favorites like egg nog, gingerbread, and roasted nuts, do you ever wonder how fruitcake became one of the Big D!ck’s of Holiday Food?
Big D!ck Fact: The Collin Street Bakery expects to sell one million fruitcakes this holiday season.
The Bah Humbuggers don’t want you to enjoy your merry, merry, so they claim fake wars on Christmas or insincere political correctness to try to divert you from sharing your holiday cheer. Instead of the rest of us puckering-up to make them feel better we should just tell them to bugger off.
Despite the magnitude of the celebration, Christmas really isn’t the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. Yet everyone, even those that it’s not their holiday, is expected to feel the holiday cheer. Merry neutral people aren’t bah humbuggers, instead they just want to fly under the holiday hoopla big d!ck radar.
From the sounds, to the smells, to the clothes, to the decorations, to the trinkets, we just can’t seem to get enough of Christmas treasures. While many love the ambiance, others count the days for Christmas everything to return to storage.
You Know You’re Playing the Big D!ck Contest of Christmas Everything if you have to rent a storage unit to keep your holiday stuff for the eleven other months.
The Big D!ck Contest of Holiday Expectations is mostly self-inflicted because we strive for a Martha Stewart perfect Christmas. Unless you have a staff, it’s impossible to perfectly orchestrate the December 25th hard deadline to do all of the shopping, decorating, wrapping, cooking, greeting cards, attending parties and events. Something gives and it’s usually sleep followed by your sanity. Many end-up playing the Big D!ck Contest of Self-Importance because they believe that if they don’t do it perfectly, then the holidays will be ruined for everyone they love.
In December, we are reminded that we didn’t see many of our friends, family, and frenemies in the past year, so our calendar explodes with extra lunches, dinners and family gatherings. Almost every gathering includes a Big D!ck Bully that everyone must tip toe around so they don’t create a scene. The child who already has so much stuff that the token holiday gift won’t do. And you can’t forget the Bah Humbugger who wants to spread some holiday ho hum.
Those who chose the “Live In Switzerland” big d!ck contest play and stay neutral during these gatherings usually have the most holiday fun.
While Jesus may be the season’s guest of honor, it’s the man in the red and white suit, Santa Claus that wins the seasons Big D!ck Maestro title. His legacy inspires millions to be a little nicer, give a little more, and spread a little cheer every Christmas. Fan or naysayer, there’s no denying his enormous, yet, positive girth.
With all the chaos Christmas brings, why do we do it year after year? Because deep down we all know there really aren’t any winners or losers of the Twelve Big D!cks of Christmas. Everyone who plays ultimately wins because they were inspired by the magic of the season.
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