Posts Tagged ‘The Big D!ck Contest’

The Players:

Gwendolyn, District Sales Manager
Aden, Regional Sales Manager
Willie, Regional Vice President

The Setting:

A FORTUNE 500 office supply company

ACT ONE

The knot in her stomach reminded her she wasn’t really prepared for it. This past summer, Gwendolyn, a District Sales Manager at a FORTUNE 500 company and the BDC’s player of the day, was walking with her Regional Sales Manager, Aden, to the Regional VP’s office to discuss her future career path. Gwendolyn had carefully set a series of actions into play to create the opportunity to have this conversation.

The Background

Gwendolyn was a typical naive Meritorious Big D!ck Contest player at work, where she worked hard, was good at her job, and achieved results. Based on her success, she felt she had earned a promotion. Since she’d started at the Big D!ck Cult of Pens and Paper she’d been promised a fast track in the management program. However, shortly after her start, the national economy deflated. In addition, a major competitor’s acquisition had virtually stopped promotions. When a headhunter called Gwendolyn about a management position elsewhere, she decided to cover her ass and check it out.

ACT TWO

Gwendolyn was down to the final interview and was fairly confident she’d get an offer. However, she really wanted to climb her current corporate cult ladder. She was drunk on the corporate Kool-Aid, puckered-up to kiss booties of the Big D!ck’s, and been patient. But her efforts had not resulted in the desired new Big D!ck title, salary, and prestige.

Gwendolyn decides to get bold and do a Big D!ck offense play

Instead of keeping her job hunt a secret, she told a colleague that was cozy with one of the Bigger D!ck national vice-presidents about her interviews in hopes of nudging a promotion counter-offer. Although she knew the unwritten corporate cult code that leaving wasn’t viewed kindly, she believed a potential job offer would increase her girth and value. The corporate cult had offered more money to employees they wanted to keep who had gotten other job offers.

ACT THREE

A few days after the seeds of her secret were sown, Gwendolyn found herself setting in Aden’s office being chastised for even thinking about interviewing with another corporate cult when she had so many promising opportunities with the Cult of Pens and Paper. He promptly took her to his boss. Willie, the Regional VP, reassured that her career was bright and promising. After all it was his job to minimize cult defectors unless it was convenient for them to leave.

Once they had her defenses down and had stroked her ego about being a valuable asset, Willie, who’s also a Big D!ck Bully, put Gwendolyn on the spot and forced her to call the company she was interviewing with to drop-out of the interview process. Since she couldn’t afford to lose her paycheck, she felt pressured into making the call, and did.

From that day forward Gwendolyn’s corporate life changed

She wasn’t treated as a valuable team member, but instead was treated as a cult defector, and was basically blackballed. She received little if any help from Aden, her Little Prick boss–those who do the dirty work of the Big D!cks.

In November, the final blow came when the powers at the corporate cult HQ decided to eliminate one of the three district sales managers in Gwendolyn’s office. It wasn’t a surprise to many that Gwendolyn was thrown under the bus. Now she’s without a job, a career path, and can’t reapply at the company that was interested in her for months.

THE BDC LESSON

Despite anything anyone tells you at a Big D!ck Corporate Cult, no one will ever Cover Your Ass other than you. At best your co-workers are your allies, at worst they can be mortal enemies. When you make a Big D!ck play, be prepared for the consequences if you lose. Despite the Supreme Court’s ruling, a corporate cult doesn’t have a soul and believes everyone is replaceable. The bottom line is you’re just a number on someone’s spreadsheet.

Author Note: The names have been changed to protect the Big D!ck Players, but the story is true.

Christmas is that magical time of year when virtually everything is about bigger, better and more. We over- spend, over-decorate, over-eat, over-drink, and get overly tired. It’s the Olympics of the Big D!ck Contest of Holiday Hoopla—and intentional or not, we usually get suckered into playing somewhere. The Twelve Big D!cks of Christmas control virtually everything from our time, to our money, to our mood during the Christmas holidays.

Dreams of a White ChristmasChristmas Day is the only day of the year that almost everyone, even beach people, want to see at least a few snow flurries. However, Mother Nature, who has the biggest d!ck of all, just doesn’t buy into the white Christmas holiday hype leaving someone somewhere disappointed.

Christmas Day MovieFor many, Christmas Day just isn’t complete without going to see one of the new movies released. This creates ferocious competition to be the movie that topped the Christmas Day box office.

Big D!ck Fact: More than $77 million dollars was spent at the box office on December 25, 2010.

Happy Holiday NewsletterHappy holiday newsletter writers either intentionally or unintentionally play the Big D!ck Contest of Bragging. The tone of many letters is often “my life was perfect” and this can leave a bittersweet taste in the mouths of those we love the most, and definitely creates two teams of love them or hate them readers.

The Holiday Bargain Gift HuntFor those who believe holiday deal shopping is a sport, Black Friday and Cyber Monday are your Super Bowls. The Big D!ck Trophy is bragging rights for the best deal no matter how early you arrived at the store, how much time you spent in line to get it, or when you had to set your alarm to go online.

Of course, cash and gift cards still reign as favorites for the non-competitive gift giver and receiver.

Traveling TimesDespite complaining about the cost, the lines, and the delays, most of us travel somewhere during the holidays. But the real Big D!ck Contest here is all about where we go, who we see, and how long we stay.

Big D!ck Fact: According to AAA more than 42.5 million American will travel more than 50 miles from home for the holidays.

The Holiday Food OrgyThe holidays are one big food orgy between the cooking, parties, and extra friend meet-ups. But in the midst of partaking in the holiday favorites like egg nog, gingerbread, and roasted nuts, do you ever wonder how fruitcake became one of the Big D!ck’s of Holiday Food?

Big D!ck Fact: The Collin Street Bakery expects to sell one million fruitcakes this holiday season.

The Bah HumbuggersThe Bah Humbuggers don’t want you to enjoy your merry, merry, so they claim fake wars on Christmas or insincere political correctness to try to divert you from sharing your holiday cheer. Instead of the rest of us puckering-up to make them feel better we should just tell them to bugger off.

Merry MandateDespite the magnitude of the celebration, Christmas really isn’t the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. Yet everyone, even those that it’s not their holiday, is expected to feel the holiday cheer. Merry neutral people aren’t bah humbuggers, instead they just want to fly under the holiday hoopla big d!ck radar.

Christmas EverythingFrom the sounds, to the smells, to the clothes, to the decorations, to the trinkets, we just can’t seem to get enough of Christmas treasures. While many love the ambiance, others count the days for Christmas everything to return to storage.

You Know You’re Playing the Big D!ck Contest of Christmas Everything if you have to rent a storage unit to keep your holiday stuff for the eleven other months.

Holiday ExpectationsThe Big D!ck Contest of Holiday Expectations is mostly self-inflicted because we strive for a Martha Stewart perfect Christmas. Unless you have a staff, it’s impossible to perfectly orchestrate the December 25th hard deadline to do all of the shopping, decorating, wrapping, cooking, greeting cards, attending parties and events. Something gives and it’s usually sleep followed by your sanity. Many end-up playing the Big D!ck Contest of Self-Importance because they believe that if they don’t do it perfectly, then the holidays will be ruined for everyone they love.

Family, Friends, & FrenemiesIn December, we are reminded that we didn’t see many of our friends, family, and frenemies in the past year, so our calendar explodes with extra lunches, dinners and family gatherings. Almost every gathering includes a Big D!ck Bully that everyone must tip toe around so they don’t create a scene. The child who already has so much stuff that the token holiday gift won’t do. And you can’t forget the Bah Humbugger who wants to spread some holiday ho hum.

Those who chose the “Live In Switzerland” big d!ck contest play and stay neutral during these gatherings usually have the most holiday fun.

Santa ClausWhile Jesus may be the season’s guest of honor, it’s the man in the red and white suit, Santa Claus that wins the seasons Big D!ck Maestro title. His legacy inspires millions to be a little nicer, give a little more, and spread a little cheer every Christmas. Fan or naysayer, there’s no denying his enormous, yet, positive girth.

With all the chaos Christmas brings, why do we do it year after year? Because deep down we all know there really aren’t any winners or losers of the Twelve Big D!cks of Christmas. Everyone who plays ultimately wins because they were inspired by the magic of the season.

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