Posts Tagged ‘Lafferty Johnson’

 

So why do we watch the Oscars year after year? To see if the host has the Big D!ck Talent to keep us entertained for three hours of the Hollywood elite patting themselves on the back.

Any actor that has achieved celebrity status for something other than so-called “reality TV,” dreams not only of fame and big d!ck paychecks, but of winning a golden statue named Oscar. It theoretically designates Big D!ck Talent. Or a Big D!ck Studio’s lobbying efforts. But why you win doesn’t matter–it only matters that you do.

For everyone else there is the hope of getting one of those over-the-top gift baskets, that are valued at $85K this year, and the Vanity Fair Party invitation.

For industry insiders scoring an invitation to the Oscars confirms your Big D!ck Status. But attending or not, it’s an event full of pointless gossip, who’s-who parties, and money.

But for the laymen movie fan Oscar viewer the event provides few surprises. The predicted favorite nominees usually win the Big D!ck Statue. The attendees have the best stylist, designer clothes and jewelry. So unless they are trying to win one of the “WTF” fashion lists, they don’t have a choice but to look good. Unless you get beeped during your acceptance speech, it won’t be social media worthy. And next year we won’t actually remember the nominees or winners of this year’s event.

After last year’s hosting fiasco, all movie buffs say, “Welcome back Billy Crystal!”

 

 

 

Although we don’t know our cultural icons personally, we think we do because they are Meritorious Big D!cks immortalized by a God given talent. We’ll forever be able to hear their songs, see their movies, read their words, or see their art. Yet, every time one of our beloved icons dies, most recently, Steve Jobs, Amy Winehouse, and Elizabeth Taylor, we stop, we reflect, and our heart skips a beat.

Our heart skips a beat, and time seems to stop as our mind is filled with a blurry haze when we hear the breaking news that a cultural icon passed away before their time. That’s what happened this past Saturday when we heard that Whitney Houston had died at 48. We stopped. We sang. We danced. We questioned. We Tweeted. We Facebooked. We mourned.

But why? We won’t miss their jokes at dinner, their voice on the other end of a phone call, or the smile that only two souls with a unique bond shares. So then why do we take the death of a cultural icon so personal? Are we mourning the person, or our own mortality?

Death has the biggest d!ck

Our culture is uncomfortable talking about death because we’re rendered powerless by it. When death knocks on our door, if it’s our time, it has the biggest dick. No questions asked. Case closed. If we’re part of the grieving family, we get our three bereavement days from work and then we’re expected to move on like nothing changed, even though everything changed.

Death scares us because it’s one of the last unknown frontiers, in a world full of people that want to know the facts, and every tiny detail of other people’s lives thanks to reality TV, the afterlife offers none. Ironically, this is part of the biggest Big D!ck Contest we play: the Big D!ck Contest of God.

Only two things are inevitable–Playing the Big D!ck Contest & Taxes

But what’s unique about when a cultural icon dies is that it reminds us of our past and our immortality. In Whitney’s case, who didn’t nurse a broken heart without humming I Will Always Love You? Or if you’re old enough, you hit the dance floor when you heard I Want To Dance With Somebody Who Loves Me.

When an icon dies young, we like to blame it on something or someone–anything other than fate. We actually want to believe that if we’re smart enough, or good enough, our d!ck is bigger than God’s d!ck and we can defy death. But regardless of your earthly Big D!ck Status, death is equal opportunity, and we’re powerless to its girth.

Big D!ck Contest of Legacy

Although we can’t control the Big D!ck Contest of Legacy. Even though most of us won’t leave an estate that grows in cash value after we become part of the dearly departed, we can leave the world in a better place. Perhaps, if we all embraced our immortality more, then just maybe we’d spend our time doing things that mattered.

 

Stevany had moved from Texas to Maryland. Trying to be a good new Maryland citizen, within a week of her arrival she went to register her car and get new license plates, therefore she had to get a car inspection, courtesy of the Maryland MVA.

If the car inspector was a mind reader, he’d have heard Stevany say in one of those annoying tones attributed to women, “I can’t ****ing believe this.” Of course, she was actually too polite to voice her thoughts. But Stevany felt she was just the pawn of a government gang regulation for no reason other than they had the power to do it and her only option was to comply or be carless.

A few years prior when she moved to Texas, the heat had inspired her to get her car windows tinted. Unbeknownst to her, each state independently sets their legal limit of VLT or Visible Light Transmission. In Texas, and most southern states, 25% VLT is required. In Maryland, they require 35% VLT.

The inspector said, “I estimate that your VLT is 27%. You can actually go to the police station to get an exact measurement, but it won’t be 35%.”

Already exhausted from the chaos of a move, Stevany picked the quickest path to fix the problem. She went to a tint shop and had it removed for $125. Ironically, she was also told that after the inspection she could pay to get the tint added back.

During a day that got filled with what she perceived as unnecessary time wasters and expenses, Stevany couldn’t help but wonder, Were there more tint related accidents in states that allowed 25% VLT? Did the tint industry have great lobbyist in Maryland? Did Maryland want people from southern states to live there?

Stevany felt like the extra time and money she was out was like some sort of government gang initiation: If you want to drive in Maryland, your car must have the right team shades. Of course, if she’d felt there was a valid reason it would have been palatable and not just one big pain in the ass.

With all of the problems our country and the states face is the shade and enforcement of car tint really worthy of our time? Or did some overzealous legislature do a Big D!ck Favor for someone in the tint industry so they can get more Big D!ck Assets (money) for their next campaign? And of course, this means a Little Prick gets to enforce the law and make someone else feel like a political pawn.

As for Stevany, the experience dissipated her interest in tint, so she’ll learn to be tintless in Maryland.

Football is only a small part of the Super Bowl Big D!ck Contest. After all, there are only so many actual Giants or Patriots fans who really care if they win the Vince Lombardi Trophy and the Big D!ck Contest of Bragging Rights.

The Fans

Who has the most fans? Nielsen reported that the Giants are winning the social buzz 59% – 41% over the Patriots. However, Patriots QB Tom Brady has double the buzz of Giants QB Eli Manning. And no, the report didn’t give the gender breakdowns.

The Bets

One-third of us bet on the Super Bowl according to CouponCabin.com just to keep the game interesting.

The Food

The USDA confirms that Super Bowl Sunday is the second highest day of food consumption, just behind Thanksgiving. More than 1200 calories are consumed just on snacks reports the Calorie Control Council and Snack Food Association.

Super Bowl favorites include:

• 1.25 billion chicken wings, which is 4 for every man, woman, and child in America. ~ National Chicken Council

• 71.4 million pounds of Hass avocados. ~ Hass Avocado Board

• 11.2 million pounds of potato chips and 8.2 million pounds of tortilla chips. ~ Calorie Control Council & Snack Food Association

• 4.4 million pizzas will be ordered from Pizza Hut, Domino’s and Papa John’s alone. ~ The Wall Street Journal (February 2, 2012)

• 3.8 million pounds of popcorn. ~ Calorie Control Council & Snack Food Association

• 2.5 million pounds of nuts. ~ Calorie Control Council & Snack Food Association

• Baby carrot sales increase at least 25%. ~ The Wall Street Journal (February 2, 2012)

• Only 51.7 million cases of beer are drank which makes it lag behind the warm weather beer drinking July Fourth, Memorial Day, and Labor Day holidays. ~ The Wall Street Journal (February 2, 2012)

• More than 12 million people are expected to watch the Super Bowl at a bar or restaurant to avoid the food prep and clean-up, but 48 million will order take-out. ~ The National Restaurant Association

Of course, the overeating increases antacid sales by 20% the Monday after the Super Bowl according to 7-Eleven.

The Commercials

The anomaly freeze in Dallas last year only impacted the Super Bowl pre-game festivities. The 111 million record viewing audience helped increase the cost of a 30-second commercial to $3.5 million or a 14.2% increase according to superbowl-ads.com. Of course, when you’re paying these rates you want to increase the buzz bang for the buck, so it’s common practice to leak the ads online and to news stations before the big game. For some of us, who mainly watch for the commercials, is there even a reason left to watch the game?

Interestingly, the NFL, exerts its girth, and advertisers not officially affiliated to the Super Bowl must use the words like the “big game,” instead of Super Bowl. If they don’t they’ll get a nasty letter from one of the NFL’s BD attorneys to pull the ad.

The TV’s

Since nine out of ten of us watch the Super Bowl at home according to Nielsen, it’s not surprising that 4.5 million people plan to buy a new TV for the big day according to Parade (January 29, 2012).

Halftime

While the halftime entertainment always draws big names, unless there’s a wardrobe malfunction we probably won’t remember who performed the previous year. If you’re wondering last year it was The Black Eyed Peas.

Work Impact

Employers expect to lose over 1.03 billion dollars in productivity due to Super Bowl Week office chatter according to Challenger, Gray, & Christmas.

After the big game as many as 1.5 million people will call in sick and 4.4 million will be late predicts the Workforce Institute at Kronos. This might indicate that Americans across all political persuasions may actually agree that the day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday.

The Host City

The economic impact for a host city is in the millions for the overpriced Super Bowl tickets, hotels, food, and travel. And for all the events to entertain the fans including those celebrity packed parties where the celebrity gets paid to celebrate.

And the Super Bowl Big D!ck Contest Winner is…

Regardless of who actually wins the Super Bowl title each year, the NFL has created an event that’s bigger than football or the teams involved. In 2011, more than $10.1 billion was spent on items for the Super Bowl from food to furniture, according to Parade (January 29, 2012). There’s no doubt that money is the Super Bowl Big D!ck winner year after year. It’s just a question of who gets paid.

Ironically, at that point in my life I’d never drank champagne so I didn’t even know if I’d like it, but thought I wanted it…

Like most firemen, my dad worked more than one job to make ends meet until he retired

“Lafferty, you have champagne taste on a beer budget,” was my dad’s motto for me. Every time I heard it, I’d snarl because my dad was implying an unheard of brand of beer to boot. Then I’d think, “When I’m grown up, I’ll just make more money to afford the champagne.”

My dad understood that there were economic classes and that moving up wasn’t easy. He had a child who aspired to live in a class above his–and he wanted to protect me from disappointment. It’s not that he thought the “haves” were better than the “have not’s”. But he probably had a bias, fair or unfair, that the majority of rich people were snobs and thought their d!cks were just a little stouter than everyone else’s.

My dad was a fireman. At work, he was an Indifferent Big D!ck Contest player. He knew there was a BDC being played, but he didn’t want to play. He felt the annoyance of dealing with the politics to climb the ladder to get a bigger title with more responsibility wasn’t worth the teeny amount of extra money he’d make.

At one point during his career the city was short lieutenants and he’d have to fill in as an “acting” lieutenant from time to time. Even though he got paid more, he didn’t want to be a lieutenant. He finally wrote a letter to the city’s HR department stating he would no longer be an acting lieutenant because if he wanted the job he’d have applied to for it. When pushed my dad would play the BDC, but in general he just wanted to fly under the radar.

Ultimately he believed it was better to be penny wise than chase a Big D!ck Lifestyle and be beholden to creditors and money.

The Big D!ck Contest of Money

This GOP primary season has made it obvious that many, if not the majority, of the elected officials are oblivious to how most Americans feel about the Big D!ck Contest of Money. Two of the most notable gaffs have been made by Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney. These comments came from guys who clearly think their d!cks are so big that they must shield them from the reality the majority of us see clearly:

Rick included in his Iowa caucus speech that “there isn’t a class system in America.”

Mitt told Matt Lauer, from the Today Show, that people who question the fairness of the current tax system for the middle class compared to the wealthy are “envious.”

My dad taught me that America has both a beer and champagne class

Fortunately, we don’t have a caste system. If you want to play the Big D!ck Contest, you have the opportunity to climb the class ladder to live a bigger American dream.

More important, my dad also taught me that everyone doesn’t want to win the Big D!ck Contest of Money. Maybe Mitt envies Warren Buffett’s money, but there are millions of people, like my dad, who don’t envy Mitt’s or anyone else’s money. If my dad won a billion dollars, the only difference in his lifestyle would be he had a bigger bank balance.

My dad can afford branded beer, or even some champagne, but he still chooses to drink the no brand stuff because he’s never wanted to change classes or win the Big D!ck Contest of Money.

Perhaps the Indifferent Big D!ck Contest Playermay be the wisest because they know that the measure of a person really isn’t if they can afford beer or champagne–it’s how they treat other people.

 

The Players:

Gwendolyn, District Sales Manager
Aden, Regional Sales Manager
Willie, Regional Vice President

The Setting:

A FORTUNE 500 office supply company

ACT ONE

The knot in her stomach reminded her she wasn’t really prepared for it. This past summer, Gwendolyn, a District Sales Manager at a FORTUNE 500 company and the BDC’s player of the day, was walking with her Regional Sales Manager, Aden, to the Regional VP’s office to discuss her future career path. Gwendolyn had carefully set a series of actions into play to create the opportunity to have this conversation.

The Background

Gwendolyn was a typical naive Meritorious Big D!ck Contest player at work, where she worked hard, was good at her job, and achieved results. Based on her success, she felt she had earned a promotion. Since she’d started at the Big D!ck Cult of Pens and Paper she’d been promised a fast track in the management program. However, shortly after her start, the national economy deflated. In addition, a major competitor’s acquisition had virtually stopped promotions. When a headhunter called Gwendolyn about a management position elsewhere, she decided to cover her ass and check it out.

ACT TWO

Gwendolyn was down to the final interview and was fairly confident she’d get an offer. However, she really wanted to climb her current corporate cult ladder. She was drunk on the corporate Kool-Aid, puckered-up to kiss booties of the Big D!ck’s, and been patient. But her efforts had not resulted in the desired new Big D!ck title, salary, and prestige.

Gwendolyn decides to get bold and do a Big D!ck offense play

Instead of keeping her job hunt a secret, she told a colleague that was cozy with one of the Bigger D!ck national vice-presidents about her interviews in hopes of nudging a promotion counter-offer. Although she knew the unwritten corporate cult code that leaving wasn’t viewed kindly, she believed a potential job offer would increase her girth and value. The corporate cult had offered more money to employees they wanted to keep who had gotten other job offers.

ACT THREE

A few days after the seeds of her secret were sown, Gwendolyn found herself setting in Aden’s office being chastised for even thinking about interviewing with another corporate cult when she had so many promising opportunities with the Cult of Pens and Paper. He promptly took her to his boss. Willie, the Regional VP, reassured that her career was bright and promising. After all it was his job to minimize cult defectors unless it was convenient for them to leave.

Once they had her defenses down and had stroked her ego about being a valuable asset, Willie, who’s also a Big D!ck Bully, put Gwendolyn on the spot and forced her to call the company she was interviewing with to drop-out of the interview process. Since she couldn’t afford to lose her paycheck, she felt pressured into making the call, and did.

From that day forward Gwendolyn’s corporate life changed

She wasn’t treated as a valuable team member, but instead was treated as a cult defector, and was basically blackballed. She received little if any help from Aden, her Little Prick boss–those who do the dirty work of the Big D!cks.

In November, the final blow came when the powers at the corporate cult HQ decided to eliminate one of the three district sales managers in Gwendolyn’s office. It wasn’t a surprise to many that Gwendolyn was thrown under the bus. Now she’s without a job, a career path, and can’t reapply at the company that was interested in her for months.

THE BDC LESSON

Despite anything anyone tells you at a Big D!ck Corporate Cult, no one will ever Cover Your Ass other than you. At best your co-workers are your allies, at worst they can be mortal enemies. When you make a Big D!ck play, be prepared for the consequences if you lose. Despite the Supreme Court’s ruling, a corporate cult doesn’t have a soul and believes everyone is replaceable. The bottom line is you’re just a number on someone’s spreadsheet.

Author Note: The names have been changed to protect the Big D!ck Players, but the story is true.

Christmas is that magical time of year when virtually everything is about bigger, better and more. We over- spend, over-decorate, over-eat, over-drink, and get overly tired. It’s the Olympics of the Big D!ck Contest of Holiday Hoopla—and intentional or not, we usually get suckered into playing somewhere. The Twelve Big D!cks of Christmas control virtually everything from our time, to our money, to our mood during the Christmas holidays.

Dreams of a White ChristmasChristmas Day is the only day of the year that almost everyone, even beach people, want to see at least a few snow flurries. However, Mother Nature, who has the biggest d!ck of all, just doesn’t buy into the white Christmas holiday hype leaving someone somewhere disappointed.

Christmas Day MovieFor many, Christmas Day just isn’t complete without going to see one of the new movies released. This creates ferocious competition to be the movie that topped the Christmas Day box office.

Big D!ck Fact: More than $77 million dollars was spent at the box office on December 25, 2010.

Happy Holiday NewsletterHappy holiday newsletter writers either intentionally or unintentionally play the Big D!ck Contest of Bragging. The tone of many letters is often “my life was perfect” and this can leave a bittersweet taste in the mouths of those we love the most, and definitely creates two teams of love them or hate them readers.

The Holiday Bargain Gift HuntFor those who believe holiday deal shopping is a sport, Black Friday and Cyber Monday are your Super Bowls. The Big D!ck Trophy is bragging rights for the best deal no matter how early you arrived at the store, how much time you spent in line to get it, or when you had to set your alarm to go online.

Of course, cash and gift cards still reign as favorites for the non-competitive gift giver and receiver.

Traveling TimesDespite complaining about the cost, the lines, and the delays, most of us travel somewhere during the holidays. But the real Big D!ck Contest here is all about where we go, who we see, and how long we stay.

Big D!ck Fact: According to AAA more than 42.5 million American will travel more than 50 miles from home for the holidays.

The Holiday Food OrgyThe holidays are one big food orgy between the cooking, parties, and extra friend meet-ups. But in the midst of partaking in the holiday favorites like egg nog, gingerbread, and roasted nuts, do you ever wonder how fruitcake became one of the Big D!ck’s of Holiday Food?

Big D!ck Fact: The Collin Street Bakery expects to sell one million fruitcakes this holiday season.

The Bah HumbuggersThe Bah Humbuggers don’t want you to enjoy your merry, merry, so they claim fake wars on Christmas or insincere political correctness to try to divert you from sharing your holiday cheer. Instead of the rest of us puckering-up to make them feel better we should just tell them to bugger off.

Merry MandateDespite the magnitude of the celebration, Christmas really isn’t the most wonderful time of the year for everyone. Yet everyone, even those that it’s not their holiday, is expected to feel the holiday cheer. Merry neutral people aren’t bah humbuggers, instead they just want to fly under the holiday hoopla big d!ck radar.

Christmas EverythingFrom the sounds, to the smells, to the clothes, to the decorations, to the trinkets, we just can’t seem to get enough of Christmas treasures. While many love the ambiance, others count the days for Christmas everything to return to storage.

You Know You’re Playing the Big D!ck Contest of Christmas Everything if you have to rent a storage unit to keep your holiday stuff for the eleven other months.

Holiday ExpectationsThe Big D!ck Contest of Holiday Expectations is mostly self-inflicted because we strive for a Martha Stewart perfect Christmas. Unless you have a staff, it’s impossible to perfectly orchestrate the December 25th hard deadline to do all of the shopping, decorating, wrapping, cooking, greeting cards, attending parties and events. Something gives and it’s usually sleep followed by your sanity. Many end-up playing the Big D!ck Contest of Self-Importance because they believe that if they don’t do it perfectly, then the holidays will be ruined for everyone they love.

Family, Friends, & FrenemiesIn December, we are reminded that we didn’t see many of our friends, family, and frenemies in the past year, so our calendar explodes with extra lunches, dinners and family gatherings. Almost every gathering includes a Big D!ck Bully that everyone must tip toe around so they don’t create a scene. The child who already has so much stuff that the token holiday gift won’t do. And you can’t forget the Bah Humbugger who wants to spread some holiday ho hum.

Those who chose the “Live In Switzerland” big d!ck contest play and stay neutral during these gatherings usually have the most holiday fun.

Santa ClausWhile Jesus may be the season’s guest of honor, it’s the man in the red and white suit, Santa Claus that wins the seasons Big D!ck Maestro title. His legacy inspires millions to be a little nicer, give a little more, and spread a little cheer every Christmas. Fan or naysayer, there’s no denying his enormous, yet, positive girth.

With all the chaos Christmas brings, why do we do it year after year? Because deep down we all know there really aren’t any winners or losers of the Twelve Big D!cks of Christmas. Everyone who plays ultimately wins because they were inspired by the magic of the season.

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