Archive for February, 2012

 

So why do we watch the Oscars year after year? To see if the host has the Big D!ck Talent to keep us entertained for three hours of the Hollywood elite patting themselves on the back.

Any actor that has achieved celebrity status for something other than so-called “reality TV,” dreams not only of fame and big d!ck paychecks, but of winning a golden statue named Oscar. It theoretically designates Big D!ck Talent. Or a Big D!ck Studio’s lobbying efforts. But why you win doesn’t matter–it only matters that you do.

For everyone else there is the hope of getting one of those over-the-top gift baskets, that are valued at $85K this year, and the Vanity Fair Party invitation.

For industry insiders scoring an invitation to the Oscars confirms your Big D!ck Status. But attending or not, it’s an event full of pointless gossip, who’s-who parties, and money.

But for the laymen movie fan Oscar viewer the event provides few surprises. The predicted favorite nominees usually win the Big D!ck Statue. The attendees have the best stylist, designer clothes and jewelry. So unless they are trying to win one of the “WTF” fashion lists, they don’t have a choice but to look good. Unless you get beeped during your acceptance speech, it won’t be social media worthy. And next year we won’t actually remember the nominees or winners of this year’s event.

After last year’s hosting fiasco, all movie buffs say, “Welcome back Billy Crystal!”

 

 

 

Although we don’t know our cultural icons personally, we think we do because they are Meritorious Big D!cks immortalized by a God given talent. We’ll forever be able to hear their songs, see their movies, read their words, or see their art. Yet, every time one of our beloved icons dies, most recently, Steve Jobs, Amy Winehouse, and Elizabeth Taylor, we stop, we reflect, and our heart skips a beat.

Our heart skips a beat, and time seems to stop as our mind is filled with a blurry haze when we hear the breaking news that a cultural icon passed away before their time. That’s what happened this past Saturday when we heard that Whitney Houston had died at 48. We stopped. We sang. We danced. We questioned. We Tweeted. We Facebooked. We mourned.

But why? We won’t miss their jokes at dinner, their voice on the other end of a phone call, or the smile that only two souls with a unique bond shares. So then why do we take the death of a cultural icon so personal? Are we mourning the person, or our own mortality?

Death has the biggest d!ck

Our culture is uncomfortable talking about death because we’re rendered powerless by it. When death knocks on our door, if it’s our time, it has the biggest dick. No questions asked. Case closed. If we’re part of the grieving family, we get our three bereavement days from work and then we’re expected to move on like nothing changed, even though everything changed.

Death scares us because it’s one of the last unknown frontiers, in a world full of people that want to know the facts, and every tiny detail of other people’s lives thanks to reality TV, the afterlife offers none. Ironically, this is part of the biggest Big D!ck Contest we play: the Big D!ck Contest of God.

Only two things are inevitable–Playing the Big D!ck Contest & Taxes

But what’s unique about when a cultural icon dies is that it reminds us of our past and our immortality. In Whitney’s case, who didn’t nurse a broken heart without humming I Will Always Love You? Or if you’re old enough, you hit the dance floor when you heard I Want To Dance With Somebody Who Loves Me.

When an icon dies young, we like to blame it on something or someone–anything other than fate. We actually want to believe that if we’re smart enough, or good enough, our d!ck is bigger than God’s d!ck and we can defy death. But regardless of your earthly Big D!ck Status, death is equal opportunity, and we’re powerless to its girth.

Big D!ck Contest of Legacy

Although we can’t control the Big D!ck Contest of Legacy. Even though most of us won’t leave an estate that grows in cash value after we become part of the dearly departed, we can leave the world in a better place. Perhaps, if we all embraced our immortality more, then just maybe we’d spend our time doing things that mattered.

 

Stevany had moved from Texas to Maryland. Trying to be a good new Maryland citizen, within a week of her arrival she went to register her car and get new license plates, therefore she had to get a car inspection, courtesy of the Maryland MVA.

If the car inspector was a mind reader, he’d have heard Stevany say in one of those annoying tones attributed to women, “I can’t ****ing believe this.” Of course, she was actually too polite to voice her thoughts. But Stevany felt she was just the pawn of a government gang regulation for no reason other than they had the power to do it and her only option was to comply or be carless.

A few years prior when she moved to Texas, the heat had inspired her to get her car windows tinted. Unbeknownst to her, each state independently sets their legal limit of VLT or Visible Light Transmission. In Texas, and most southern states, 25% VLT is required. In Maryland, they require 35% VLT.

The inspector said, “I estimate that your VLT is 27%. You can actually go to the police station to get an exact measurement, but it won’t be 35%.”

Already exhausted from the chaos of a move, Stevany picked the quickest path to fix the problem. She went to a tint shop and had it removed for $125. Ironically, she was also told that after the inspection she could pay to get the tint added back.

During a day that got filled with what she perceived as unnecessary time wasters and expenses, Stevany couldn’t help but wonder, Were there more tint related accidents in states that allowed 25% VLT? Did the tint industry have great lobbyist in Maryland? Did Maryland want people from southern states to live there?

Stevany felt like the extra time and money she was out was like some sort of government gang initiation: If you want to drive in Maryland, your car must have the right team shades. Of course, if she’d felt there was a valid reason it would have been palatable and not just one big pain in the ass.

With all of the problems our country and the states face is the shade and enforcement of car tint really worthy of our time? Or did some overzealous legislature do a Big D!ck Favor for someone in the tint industry so they can get more Big D!ck Assets (money) for their next campaign? And of course, this means a Little Prick gets to enforce the law and make someone else feel like a political pawn.

As for Stevany, the experience dissipated her interest in tint, so she’ll learn to be tintless in Maryland.

Football is only a small part of the Super Bowl Big D!ck Contest. After all, there are only so many actual Giants or Patriots fans who really care if they win the Vince Lombardi Trophy and the Big D!ck Contest of Bragging Rights.

The Fans

Who has the most fans? Nielsen reported that the Giants are winning the social buzz 59% – 41% over the Patriots. However, Patriots QB Tom Brady has double the buzz of Giants QB Eli Manning. And no, the report didn’t give the gender breakdowns.

The Bets

One-third of us bet on the Super Bowl according to CouponCabin.com just to keep the game interesting.

The Food

The USDA confirms that Super Bowl Sunday is the second highest day of food consumption, just behind Thanksgiving. More than 1200 calories are consumed just on snacks reports the Calorie Control Council and Snack Food Association.

Super Bowl favorites include:

• 1.25 billion chicken wings, which is 4 for every man, woman, and child in America. ~ National Chicken Council

• 71.4 million pounds of Hass avocados. ~ Hass Avocado Board

• 11.2 million pounds of potato chips and 8.2 million pounds of tortilla chips. ~ Calorie Control Council & Snack Food Association

• 4.4 million pizzas will be ordered from Pizza Hut, Domino’s and Papa John’s alone. ~ The Wall Street Journal (February 2, 2012)

• 3.8 million pounds of popcorn. ~ Calorie Control Council & Snack Food Association

• 2.5 million pounds of nuts. ~ Calorie Control Council & Snack Food Association

• Baby carrot sales increase at least 25%. ~ The Wall Street Journal (February 2, 2012)

• Only 51.7 million cases of beer are drank which makes it lag behind the warm weather beer drinking July Fourth, Memorial Day, and Labor Day holidays. ~ The Wall Street Journal (February 2, 2012)

• More than 12 million people are expected to watch the Super Bowl at a bar or restaurant to avoid the food prep and clean-up, but 48 million will order take-out. ~ The National Restaurant Association

Of course, the overeating increases antacid sales by 20% the Monday after the Super Bowl according to 7-Eleven.

The Commercials

The anomaly freeze in Dallas last year only impacted the Super Bowl pre-game festivities. The 111 million record viewing audience helped increase the cost of a 30-second commercial to $3.5 million or a 14.2% increase according to superbowl-ads.com. Of course, when you’re paying these rates you want to increase the buzz bang for the buck, so it’s common practice to leak the ads online and to news stations before the big game. For some of us, who mainly watch for the commercials, is there even a reason left to watch the game?

Interestingly, the NFL, exerts its girth, and advertisers not officially affiliated to the Super Bowl must use the words like the “big game,” instead of Super Bowl. If they don’t they’ll get a nasty letter from one of the NFL’s BD attorneys to pull the ad.

The TV’s

Since nine out of ten of us watch the Super Bowl at home according to Nielsen, it’s not surprising that 4.5 million people plan to buy a new TV for the big day according to Parade (January 29, 2012).

Halftime

While the halftime entertainment always draws big names, unless there’s a wardrobe malfunction we probably won’t remember who performed the previous year. If you’re wondering last year it was The Black Eyed Peas.

Work Impact

Employers expect to lose over 1.03 billion dollars in productivity due to Super Bowl Week office chatter according to Challenger, Gray, & Christmas.

After the big game as many as 1.5 million people will call in sick and 4.4 million will be late predicts the Workforce Institute at Kronos. This might indicate that Americans across all political persuasions may actually agree that the day after the Super Bowl should be a national holiday.

The Host City

The economic impact for a host city is in the millions for the overpriced Super Bowl tickets, hotels, food, and travel. And for all the events to entertain the fans including those celebrity packed parties where the celebrity gets paid to celebrate.

And the Super Bowl Big D!ck Contest Winner is…

Regardless of who actually wins the Super Bowl title each year, the NFL has created an event that’s bigger than football or the teams involved. In 2011, more than $10.1 billion was spent on items for the Super Bowl from food to furniture, according to Parade (January 29, 2012). There’s no doubt that money is the Super Bowl Big D!ck winner year after year. It’s just a question of who gets paid.