Archive for January, 2012

Ironically, at that point in my life I’d never drank champagne so I didn’t even know if I’d like it, but thought I wanted it…

Like most firemen, my dad worked more than one job to make ends meet until he retired

“Lafferty, you have champagne taste on a beer budget,” was my dad’s motto for me. Every time I heard it, I’d snarl because my dad was implying an unheard of brand of beer to boot. Then I’d think, “When I’m grown up, I’ll just make more money to afford the champagne.”

My dad understood that there were economic classes and that moving up wasn’t easy. He had a child who aspired to live in a class above his–and he wanted to protect me from disappointment. It’s not that he thought the “haves” were better than the “have not’s”. But he probably had a bias, fair or unfair, that the majority of rich people were snobs and thought their d!cks were just a little stouter than everyone else’s.

My dad was a fireman. At work, he was an Indifferent Big D!ck Contest player. He knew there was a BDC being played, but he didn’t want to play. He felt the annoyance of dealing with the politics to climb the ladder to get a bigger title with more responsibility wasn’t worth the teeny amount of extra money he’d make.

At one point during his career the city was short lieutenants and he’d have to fill in as an “acting” lieutenant from time to time. Even though he got paid more, he didn’t want to be a lieutenant. He finally wrote a letter to the city’s HR department stating he would no longer be an acting lieutenant because if he wanted the job he’d have applied to for it. When pushed my dad would play the BDC, but in general he just wanted to fly under the radar.

Ultimately he believed it was better to be penny wise than chase a Big D!ck Lifestyle and be beholden to creditors and money.

The Big D!ck Contest of Money

This GOP primary season has made it obvious that many, if not the majority, of the elected officials are oblivious to how most Americans feel about the Big D!ck Contest of Money. Two of the most notable gaffs have been made by Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney. These comments came from guys who clearly think their d!cks are so big that they must shield them from the reality the majority of us see clearly:

Rick included in his Iowa caucus speech that “there isn’t a class system in America.”

Mitt told Matt Lauer, from the Today Show, that people who question the fairness of the current tax system for the middle class compared to the wealthy are “envious.”

My dad taught me that America has both a beer and champagne class

Fortunately, we don’t have a caste system. If you want to play the Big D!ck Contest, you have the opportunity to climb the class ladder to live a bigger American dream.

More important, my dad also taught me that everyone doesn’t want to win the Big D!ck Contest of Money. Maybe Mitt envies Warren Buffett’s money, but there are millions of people, like my dad, who don’t envy Mitt’s or anyone else’s money. If my dad won a billion dollars, the only difference in his lifestyle would be he had a bigger bank balance.

My dad can afford branded beer, or even some champagne, but he still chooses to drink the no brand stuff because he’s never wanted to change classes or win the Big D!ck Contest of Money.

Perhaps the Indifferent Big D!ck Contest Playermay be the wisest because they know that the measure of a person really isn’t if they can afford beer or champagne–it’s how they treat other people.

 

The Players:

Gwendolyn, District Sales Manager
Aden, Regional Sales Manager
Willie, Regional Vice President

The Setting:

A FORTUNE 500 office supply company

ACT ONE

The knot in her stomach reminded her she wasn’t really prepared for it. This past summer, Gwendolyn, a District Sales Manager at a FORTUNE 500 company and the BDC’s player of the day, was walking with her Regional Sales Manager, Aden, to the Regional VP’s office to discuss her future career path. Gwendolyn had carefully set a series of actions into play to create the opportunity to have this conversation.

The Background

Gwendolyn was a typical naive Meritorious Big D!ck Contest player at work, where she worked hard, was good at her job, and achieved results. Based on her success, she felt she had earned a promotion. Since she’d started at the Big D!ck Cult of Pens and Paper she’d been promised a fast track in the management program. However, shortly after her start, the national economy deflated. In addition, a major competitor’s acquisition had virtually stopped promotions. When a headhunter called Gwendolyn about a management position elsewhere, she decided to cover her ass and check it out.

ACT TWO

Gwendolyn was down to the final interview and was fairly confident she’d get an offer. However, she really wanted to climb her current corporate cult ladder. She was drunk on the corporate Kool-Aid, puckered-up to kiss booties of the Big D!ck’s, and been patient. But her efforts had not resulted in the desired new Big D!ck title, salary, and prestige.

Gwendolyn decides to get bold and do a Big D!ck offense play

Instead of keeping her job hunt a secret, she told a colleague that was cozy with one of the Bigger D!ck national vice-presidents about her interviews in hopes of nudging a promotion counter-offer. Although she knew the unwritten corporate cult code that leaving wasn’t viewed kindly, she believed a potential job offer would increase her girth and value. The corporate cult had offered more money to employees they wanted to keep who had gotten other job offers.

ACT THREE

A few days after the seeds of her secret were sown, Gwendolyn found herself setting in Aden’s office being chastised for even thinking about interviewing with another corporate cult when she had so many promising opportunities with the Cult of Pens and Paper. He promptly took her to his boss. Willie, the Regional VP, reassured that her career was bright and promising. After all it was his job to minimize cult defectors unless it was convenient for them to leave.

Once they had her defenses down and had stroked her ego about being a valuable asset, Willie, who’s also a Big D!ck Bully, put Gwendolyn on the spot and forced her to call the company she was interviewing with to drop-out of the interview process. Since she couldn’t afford to lose her paycheck, she felt pressured into making the call, and did.

From that day forward Gwendolyn’s corporate life changed

She wasn’t treated as a valuable team member, but instead was treated as a cult defector, and was basically blackballed. She received little if any help from Aden, her Little Prick boss–those who do the dirty work of the Big D!cks.

In November, the final blow came when the powers at the corporate cult HQ decided to eliminate one of the three district sales managers in Gwendolyn’s office. It wasn’t a surprise to many that Gwendolyn was thrown under the bus. Now she’s without a job, a career path, and can’t reapply at the company that was interested in her for months.

THE BDC LESSON

Despite anything anyone tells you at a Big D!ck Corporate Cult, no one will ever Cover Your Ass other than you. At best your co-workers are your allies, at worst they can be mortal enemies. When you make a Big D!ck play, be prepared for the consequences if you lose. Despite the Supreme Court’s ruling, a corporate cult doesn’t have a soul and believes everyone is replaceable. The bottom line is you’re just a number on someone’s spreadsheet.

Author Note: The names have been changed to protect the Big D!ck Players, but the story is true.

Big D!ck Contests that impact and entertain us are being played somewhere every minute of every day. Below are the Big D!ck Contests of 2011 that had people talking, created change, and many times just left us having one of those WTF moments:

Little PrickJoe Paterno turned a blind eye on the morally irreprehensible actions of Jerry Sandusky. Sacrificing integrity to further a false image makes him a Little of Prick for the Big D!ck Contest of Penn State’s Football Legacy.

Honorable Mention: ESPN for not taking what they knew about the Big D!ck Bully Jerry Sandusky to the authorities.

Big D!ck BulliesThe US House of Representatives newly-elected Tea Party Members who don’t understand that being an elected representative means negotiation not a philosophical sit-in—that’s what protests are for. However, they had enough votes to stop bills from passing that would have benefited the majority of Americans making them the Big D!ck Bullies of 2011.

Honorable Mention: Grover Norquist, for making politicians honor a no new tax pledge or he vowed to toss them out of office the following election.

Collapsed Big D!ck Bullies

• Osama Bin Laden
• Muammar Gaddafi
• Hosni Mubarak

Big D!ck MaestroDonald Trump’s carefully planned PR campaign keeps him branded, in the news, and gives him the cojones to think he was actually qualified to host a presidential primary debate.

Meritorious Big D!cksAdele sold 13 million records this year, and actually sings with just a piano accompanying her in one of the songs. Now those are vocal cords you can be proud of.

Drew Brees, the New Orleans QB who had 5,087 yards passing this season, with one more game to go, breaking Dan Marino’s, 27 year record of 5,084 yards passing in one season.

Big D!ck Jock StrapsPaul Ryan and Eric Cantor insist on trying to protect the wealthiest of wealthy with proposed cuts in social safety nets that help millions, while decreasing the taxes for the minority Big D!ck Contest of Money winners.

Mother Nature: The Biggest D!ck of AllMother Nature reared her ugly head repeatedly in 2011 with record snowfalls; the Great East Japan 9.0 Earthquake; the Joplin, MO, EF5 tornadoes; Hurricane Irene; floods; wildfires; and droughts. The only positive thing that came out of the wrath of Mother Nature was that it momentarily united people.

Big D!cks in Small Ponds of 2011Read your local newspaper.

Big D!ck Wanna Be’sThe race to be the Republican nominee in the 2012 presidential race has created a Viagra deprived field of Big D!ck Wanna Be’s – Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Perry, Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, and Michele Bachmann – because none of them seem to have consistent staying power.

Rising Big D!ckSocial Media continued to increase its girth of influence from being a major player in global political protests, to consumer frustration that changed policies for companies like Netflix, to creating new stars like Rebecca Black, in her debut YouTube video, Friday, that became a viral sensation.

The Big D!ck Contest of Bad BehaviorArnold Schwarzenegger ~ Having a secret love child with your housekeeper while your wife is pregnant renders even the skankiest virtually speechless.

Anthony Weiner ~ If you’re going to tweet a picture of your wiener, don’t bother lying about it.

Alec Baldwin ~ Even celebrity status doesn’t make your d!ck bigger than the FAA’s.

Casey Anthony ~ Guilty or innocent, her behavior during the investigation of her missing daughter was deplorable.

The Big D!ck Contest of Celebrity and EntertainmentCharlie Sheen’s d!ck wasn’t big enough to keep him on Two and a Half Men, but it was big enough to get him a Big D!ck Payout, overnight Big D!ck Twitter Status, and forever being remembered for the word “winning”.

Herman Cain’s audition for a FOX news show and best-selling author status kept the Republican Party nomination battle entertaining thanks to the 9-9-9 plan, his lack of international knowledge, and other juicy scandalous rumors.

The Big D!ck Contest of ConscienceTroy Davis who was possibly wrongful executed in Georgia got the world discussing the rightful place of the death penalty.

The Big D!ck Contest of Corporate CultsWhen Bank of America tried to add a $5 per month ATM Card usage fee so they could maintain their gigantic Big D!ck Profits, consumers revolted—proving even the biggest corporate cults need customers to thrive.

The Big D!ck Contest of Credit ScoresAmerica’s Standard and Poor’s credit score fell from AAA to AA. Does this mean Standard and Poor’s has the biggest d!ck?

The Big D!ck Contest of EqualityThe future monarchs of the United Kingdom will be the eldest child, boy or girl, replacing succession laws favoring males dating back more than 300 years ago.

The Big D!ck Contest of GeographySouth Sudan was born.

The Big D!ck Contest of GodTim Tebow’s religious beliefs are as well-known as his QB skills to NFL fans. Intended or not, Tim has increased the God conversation exponentially at sports bars, water coolers, and living rooms.

The Big D!ck Contest of MarriageThe Royal Wedding tops this year’s Big D!ck Contest of Marriage because we want to believe in a fairytale. The only thing that made a bigger splash than the royal pomp, circumstance, and nuptials of Will and Kate, was the maid-of-honor, Pippa Middleton’s booty.

The Big D!ck Contest of ParentingAmy Chua’s, Tiger Mom, created unprecedented anxiety and aspiration for mom’s everywhere. What would famed parental expert Dr. Spock think of the Tiger Mom’s philosophy?

The Big D!ck Contest of PatriotismEmma Sullivan, a Kansas high school student who tweeted that Governor Brownback “sucked”, and then was asked to write a letter of apology by her school at the urging of Governor Sam Brownback’s staff, got an apology from the Governor who agreed that “freedom speech is among our treasured freedoms.”

The Big D!ck Contest of Personal SpinThe Kardashian’s prove that it’s really not about what happens, but how you tell it. No family tells their stories better than the Kardashian clan which gets Big D!ck paychecks for nothing more than greed on camera.

The Big D!ck Contest of PoliticsBoth parties are more interested in protecting the number of seats they hold than in solving America’s problems. But the foundation of the battle between the parties is about saving or demolishing the social safety nets for people in lieu of creating more social safety nets for corporate cults. It is a duel between the players who believe people are people, and the players who believe companies are people. Ultimately, money reigns king and buys votes.

Perhaps the moment that most defines the joke American politics has become is when the Big D!ck Comedian, Stephen Colbert, was approved by the Federal Election Commission (FEC) to create the Colbert Super PAC.

The Big D!ck Contest of Social ChangeThe Protesters from the Arab Spring to Occupy Wall Street have given a voice to the majority of people who don’t feel they have one and their girth keeps getting bigger and louder—the only thing that remains to be seen is what they will do with it.

The Big D!ck Contest of StereotypesThe Book of Mormon became this years must see Broadway show and challenged stereotypes of believers everywhere.

Big D!ck’s to Watch for in 2012The European Debt Crisis has the ability to bring down the US economy just as it’s rising again.

The American Voter will decide which Big D!ck Team’s political vision of America will be our future.

Big D!ck Bullies on NoticeThe Big D!ck Bully Murdoch Empire that’s dealt with a phone hacking scandal, continued investigations, pies in the face, and closing of the News of the World has been put on notice that the world is watching.

Syrian President Bashar al-Assad, your time is limited.